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In an unprecedented spasm of something or other, I’m doing another giveaway – this time to mark the US hardcover publication of BAD THINGS, on May 5th.

Again I’ll be picking three Twitter followers at random on the day, with the aim of sending a copy of the book to them — inscribed to the winner, or the person of their choice. If you’re already following, you don’t have to do anything — though you could spread the word to anyone who might be interested. As previously discussed, this isn’t a follower-gatherer-ploy. Since the whole “Dude, Where’s My Brain?” stunt, numbers are thankfully moot. It’s simply the easiest way of tracking people down afterwards. Apart from in the case of @rodneycharles, who won one of the books last time, but is keeping a very low profile. I’ll find him, though, don’t you worry.

1. No purchase necessary. No alternative offered, cash or otherwise.
2. If you don’t want the book, that’s fine – let me know and I’ll pick again.
3. Don’t use two exclamation marks. !! What’s that supposed to mean? One is permissible, though really, do you need it? Three has a certain exaggerative quality, like XXX, and I can live with it. But two? Just how loud is that? Where does it sit on the line between ‘slightly accentuated for effect’ and ‘bellowed like a weird old man, shouting at a lonely tree in the twilight’?
4. Don’t put quote marks around items in menus. Special Breakfast #4: Comes With “Tea” or “Coffee”. What’s this supposed to mean – alleged tea, and so-called coffee?
5. And don’t use a capital letter after a colon, either. Why would you do that? I don’t care if it’s the house style. Your house is stupid.
6. Don’t make a musical about Jade. That would be the work of a terrible, terrible asshole.
7. Don’t go and see a musical about Jade, should someone disregard Rule 6.
8. Don’t let small children play on my computer in my absence again (this is specifically directed toward my wife, should she be reading. But don’t any of the rest of you do it, either. Though come to think of it, what are you doing in my house?).
9. Stop coming in my house.
10. Also stop putting those huge warning tags on children’s soft toys. I know I’m not suppose to let the kid eat them or put them on the barbeque or hollow them out, fill them with acid and balance them on the cat’s head. The tags make the toy look stupid — especially when they’re half the size of the bloody thing itself — but I can’t seem to bring myself to cut them off, in case the tags themselves contain some special magic that stops the child coming to harm.
11. That’s enough rules.



Says Who?

Michael Marshall (Smith): novelist, screenwriter and sitting-place for cats.

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Said When?

April 2009
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